8/25/2005 - Summer Lessons
Alright, well, in honor of summer (at least summer without school) ending, I thought I'd ponder on what's proved to be a strange & lonely past few months. I really wasn't looking forward to the summer which is almost blasphemous because I'm a heat-soaking, waterpark swimming, ice cream seeking freak. I was supposed to go with some of my best friends to play music for camps but that fell through. Then my dad got remarried which was good, but...hard. Finances are at an all-time low so much so that coupons & holding weekly garage sales have never looked so good. Boys can be so confusing, for sure. I celebrated my birthday at a computer desk. Oh and I think within 3 weeks time, everything broke. I dropped my cell phone, stepped on my glasses, got sleep-on-the-couch-for-a-week-and-watch-Monsters Inc sick, and then my keyboard literally started to die in the middle of a show. I think at some point everyone has these stories; I guess I was just hoping for a break after one of the worst years of my life.

So I continued with humbling temp-office work, made a mixed cd for Philip to send him off with, did a bit of recording in-between the practicing & writing, and ventured into reading. I've never been much of a reader (actually I'm pretty slow), but I find that if it's interesting or challenging, I'm there. Doesn't sound very scholarly, but at least I'm doing it. :) I'm impassioned by C.S. Lewis, Don Miller, Steve Earle, and Bruce Springsteen. Bill Evans moves me. I took a big step and actually stood up for myself with a friend. And then came the sobering lessons...

With all this time on my hands and not much money or opportunity to show for it, faith is like a roller coaster and every 2 hours or so I'm on and off again. I've learned I'm not quite the good friend I thought I was or want to be. Everything's fine and all but AFTER I've explained the "right" way to do something or the "better" path to take (if only that's all it took) and someone still doesn't change, my blood morphs into Joan Allen's in The Upside of Anger. All unseen, of course. I'm learning that I'm not rejected, whether by boys or busy friends or society even though sometimes it REALLY feels like it. I've learned (well, still working on this) that I don't own my money or my things. Probably sounds strange today, but it's true. The worst feeling is to call yourself generous but when it's time to portray that when you're already financially-challenged, ooh it's humbling. And yet that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Be a giver, cheerful at that, and not worry about my bank statement or how I'm gonna eat next week or how I'm gonna continue to pursue something I love. I guess I'm just human and dirty. Oh, but I've also been angry at God, and yet I've learned He can take it.

So I don't really have some neat little wrap-up-with-some-miracle-story-tie-the-ribbon ending. (I much prefer truth & authenticity than "fine-itis".) I'm still waiting for a lot of things...a lot! But I am blessed. And as for the rest of the summer, well, I learned my community pool on the weekends is like MTV Spring Break and, yes, I'm one of the people that saw Star Wars more than once. Hayden Christensen is so....ah, anyway.